Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
