I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
