dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
