you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
