You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
