For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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