so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
