he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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