He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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