I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
