Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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