the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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