I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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