is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
