We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
