Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The feeling are messing with the penis
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
