Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
