I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
