I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My balls are so social today.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
