I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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