apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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