Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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