Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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