I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
