You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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