I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
