"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
