Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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