We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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