nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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