Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
