How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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