She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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