Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
