The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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