and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
