My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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