i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
