I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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