I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize