New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
