i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
