I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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