If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
