You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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