you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
40s are totally the cure
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
