i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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