he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
