I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
