My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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