I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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