You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
