Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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