No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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