I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
