Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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